Yoga from the Inside Out

This memoir reflection is bound to be a bit discombobulated. I wrote it whilst reading the book, stopping to jot down my thoughts whenever something struck me as meaningful or interesting, or whenever I saw yoga philosophy enter the pages. The process of writing this reflection was different than writing for Waking. Waking was more about the philosophy and practice of yoga in one man’s journey after a tragic car accident. Yoga from the Inside Out touches on a more personal note, written from the perspective of a woman who has suffered with, and conquered, eating disorders and body image issues. This book is written for women (and men) to help them come to terms with insecurities with their bodies. As a girl who has struggled with body image issues, this book hit me closer to home. Therefore, some of my thoughts are not organized the best, but I tried to be honest with what I was thinking, and attempt not to edit my feelings and thoughts too much. 

The Introduction and first chapter of Christina Sell’s memoir was difficult to read. As a girl, I know too well the struggles one can have with their body. I always find it so difficult to read about sexual abuse of young girls. Young girls are so innocent and young boys can be so cruel. Yet, they don’t know the impact they are having. It made me sad to read that something so scarring happened to Christina. The rest of her journey was difficult to read, as well. I have read many accounts of women who suffered with eating disorders, but hers was different. The progress from struggling with bulimia to intense bodybuilding, and then learning to accept her body was interesting. I related with Sell’s journey with bodybuilding. When I work out and start getting definition in my muscles, I feel the pull to work out more. For a person that struggles with a negative body image, the idea of having muscles becomes the opposite of having fat. It was not hard for me to understand the appeal of a well-muscled body. 

Sell then turns to her beginning yoga practice. She was resistant to opening herself at first. She did not want to get close to her teacher because he was known for telling women in his studio to gain weight. I love that he did this. It takes courage to call a woman out and tell her she is too skinny. But, I think that is valuable. Women need more men to tell them that they are beautiful even if they are not stick skinny. I related with her insecurity, and that of many of the women’s stories included in the pages, about how any pictures they saw of yoga were of super thin women doing the poses. I understand the intimidation in that. It makes a girl second-guess whether she will be able to actually do the practice or not. 

Chapter 2:

Enter yoga philosophy. I appreciate the language that Sell uses. The use of the “Sleeping World” as everything separate form the divine was a good choice. I think that a lot of the yoga philosophy is still new to me, even after reading the Bhagavad Gita and the Yoga Sutras. And, after reading it in so many different forms, including the two texts mentioned above, and Waking and How Yoga Works, I think that I get a little confused. Each text explains the philosophy behind yoga a little differently, with different terms. I liked how Sell explained the yoga philosophy in her book and that she kept it relating to issues of “body image.” And, she related the foreign concepts of philosophy to modern day life. She relates the often talked about distraction and disconnect of yoga philosophy to how we have come to view our bodies. We are told that we should look like Barbie, even though a curvy, Marilyn Monroe-like figure is much healthier, and in Sell’s opinion (and mine), much more beautiful. There is a strength to her description of the philosophy of yoga, even if I still muddle through it a bit. 

I had quite a few thoughts during the reading of Chapter 3. Sell touched on a lot of topics that hit a note with me. First, in the story from her friend Cheryl, she says that “in order to do yoga, you really have to be in your body. I could go for a run and be completely out of my body and zoned out” (40). I had never thought about that, but it is so true! When I do yoga, I become painfully aware of everywhere that may be bulging, or soft. But, at the same time, I learn the strengths that I never knew I had. I learn that I am much more flexible than I thought. I can do padmasana, my knees almost touch the floor when I sit in badha konasana, I did sirsasana in the middle of the room yesterday. These are the moments that I love that yoga is not disconnected. I love that I must go through the painful process of acknowledging parts of my body that I may not like in order to find the moments that I feel powerful, flexible and beautiful. I feel connected to my body in ways that I never thought possible. 

Along those same lines, Sell mentioned a quote from her teacher John Friend saying that you cannot simply say, “oh well, my body will never be able to do that,” but you have to open yourself up to grow. She then goes on to connect that back to yoga philosophy. She says “if the body is truly the vehicle for God realization, it is logical and necessary that in our practice of kaya sadhana we develop our ability to see the body as holy. But we cannot jump from a war with the body to a perspective that simply claims “the body is our temple” (43). I think that this is so important. It is not an easy process, making peace with the body you have. But, the sutras and the Gita are constantly talking about how the practice of yoga is so that we come into connection with our own true self. If we are to do this, we need to make peace with our bodies. If we believe yoga practice is a key to this discovery of the divine self, then we will never get there if we continue to ignore our bodies and the way that we view them and abuse them. 

Throughout her practice of yoga, Sell keeps a journal of how she feels and what she is learning. On pages 44-47, there is an excerpt from a woman’s journal about her journey with yoga. While reading these, I was struck with the importance of keeping track of thoughts, emotions, successes and failures in yoga practice. It allows the yogi to go back and look at the improvements in their practice, to see how their mindset has changed, to see what challenges they have overcome. Before reading this book, I had not thought about the importance of our practice responses. Honestly, I thought that they were just a way for us to get grades in a class that was mostly reading and yoga practice. Now, I am thankful for the journals and wish that I had put a little more time and reflection into them. I will enjoy looking back on these and seeing my thoughts during my beginnings of yoga. If (when) I continue yoga practice in the future, I hope I can keep up with a journal so I can keep seeing progress in my practice. 

Chapter 4 deals a lot with the common idea in yoga philosophy of stilling the fluctuations of the mind. In the beginning of the Sutras, this is cited as the purpose of doing yoga. “1.2. Union is restraining the thought-streams natural to the mind. 1.3. Then the seer dwells in his own nature” (http://www.sacred-texts.com/hin/yogasutr.htm). I like this translation of the sutras in relation to what Sell discusses in this chapter. She writes about the “original sin” that we are born into, the terrible state of our present world, and that we are constantly distracted by what we see around us. To truly engage in yoga practice, we must learn to look inward, to forget about everything we have to do when we get home, what we have to do tomorrow, and take one hour to focus inward, to focus on connecting our mind, spirit and body. 

Another strength of Sell’s writing is that she relates the topics of yoga philosophy and her journey with yoga to all faith traditions. Obviously, she writes a lot about traditional yoga philosophy embodied in the Sutras and the Gita. However, in chapter 4, she also mentions Christianity and Buddhism. When speaking about her own beliefs, she often uses the generic term of God to refer to a deity. This allows readers of all faiths to connect to her writing. When so much of yoga philosophy has similar ideas with  so many other faiths, the generic use of God lets readers understand what she is saying without feeling left out because they may not follow the exact faith that Sell follows. I think this is also beneficial because of the narrow-mindedness that we have seen here at Baylor surrounding the subject of yoga. With the generic God, a person who is not quite open-minded can read this and not be turned off by the use of other names of gods. 

Chapter 4 particularly spoke to me because I tend to be more of an emotional thinker, wanting to have my heart involved in actions. Now, this doesn’t mean that I don’t think rationally, but with something like yoga, I have to have a reason for doing it other than just practical, physical reasons. Throughout the semester, I have developed a love for yoga practice. I love how it makes me feel, and how my body feels doing it. Sell writes about connecting the heart to practice, looking inside and allowing yourself to open up to the practice of yoga. “Brooks is reminding us that yoga is not an intellectual process--it is a love affair, born in the heart of the true practitioner” (78). This quote summed up what Sell wrote about in this section. When we limit yoga to a practice of the body alone, we miss out on the true purpose of the art. 

To end this memoir reflection, I have to talk about the last chapter of Sell’s story: Community. Her description of the importance of community in practicing yoga is beautiful. The need for people to encourage you, push you and love you just the way you are is absolutely a part of yoga. This community also gets distorted by the brokenness of our world. We see other members of our classes doing poses we wish we could do, and instead of offering congratulations and praise to them, we turn inward and criticize our inabilities to perform. That is not the purpose of yoga community, Sell says. We are not meant to use it as a field of competition and comparison, but encouragement and love. I think that our class has done such a good job of that. We laugh and celebrate with each other. I come to yoga class excited to practice with the girls (and Nolan). I have enjoyed our time together. We have seen each other reach goals. We have had injuries and never looked at one another as weak. I think that Sell’s main point with her chapter on the importance of community is that it is another battle of the mind. The distortion of community happens within our own minds. I may think that another woman looks amazing, and she may think the same about me. When we compare ourselves to others in the group, we are not hurting them, but ourselves. The whole point of Sell’s book is that we must learn to love ourselves, cherish our bodies, and then, we can truly learn to love and practice yoga.